Sex in a committed relationship is said to be bed-shaking, neighbor-waking and anxiety-freeing. If that’s true, then how come a committed relationship is when many of us stop wanting it?
As many of us know, it only takes one partner’s focus on an actual or anticipated sexual dysfunction to disconnect both during the act. It might even affect their desire in the future.
Men who ejaculate in 1.9 seconds may even condition their romantic partners to become sexually inert and unenthusiastic to compensate for their lack of sexual mastery. Whether we’d like to admit it or not, the partner with the least desire for sex, always controls the frequency and quality of sex.
Let’s look at a stereotypical relationship. Meet James and Marie.
James wants sex three times a week, but Marie prefers sex every 10 days. This indifference typically causes 5 basic problems. These problems, like an avalanche, buries erotic desire in a committed relationship.
1) Woman was More Sexually Active Before the Relationship. Despite marriages offering emotional security, the increasing value of one’s partner challenge sexual desire. Unfortunately, the comfort of letting someone into your heart tends to turn couples into approval-seeking robots rather than erotically exploring partners. As James pressures Marie to “spice up” sex, Marie loses the desire to even try. So James tries to make Marie want sex.
2) Make Woman Want Sex. As a man, we have been culturally conditioned that being a “good lover” reinforces our masculinity in the same way a boy allegedly becomes a man when he “scores” sex for the first time. This conditioning has taught James that his sense of self comes from part of his sex life. As a result, he “needs” Marie to respond to his sexual advances in order to validate his masculinity.
When James was a bachelor, he measured his self-worth by how many women desired him and how aroused they became when they were with him. here is a valuable message all men need to hear about female sexual desire: Women are not interested in having sex with their partners when their partner is more interested in using sex to demonstrating prowess rather than cultivate intimacy.
As James struggled to understand Maries sexual disinterest, he blamed her gender training. He told her she was sexually inadequate instead of confronting his feelings of sexual inadequacy. His blame blinded him to the truth about himself.
So when Marie doesn’t respond to his advances, he attacked her.
3) Blaming Woman. As James blames the lack of sex on Marie’s low desire, Marie is less inclined to open up her erotic book. Never has blaming someone for not having the capacity to be sexual ever motivated someone to be more sexual.
As James attempts to make Marie want sex (and him), she wants it less. James’s accusations have forced her into a sexually defeated corner regarding her sexual ability, desire, and initiations.
There was no way for Marie to gain sexual “status” by increasing her sexual desire, because any success would validate that James was right. Not to mention James acts as if hurting Marie’s feelings will make her more likely to have sex with him. It does quite the opposite.
4) Woman is Unmotivated to Improve Sex. With very little to gain and very little to lose, Marie is unmotivated to improve sex. She has already forfeited her sexual competence to his blame game.
As Marie becomes more closed off from sex, James begins to fear looking inadequate. This fuels his desperate attempts to keep her interested in sex.
5) Man’s Dependence Makes Him Powerless and Less Desirable. In a relationship like this women often have a paradoxical experience. They feel inadequate, yet powerful.
When Marie was angry with James, she could jerk James’s leash by not responding, turning him into a needy boy desperate to validate his masculinity. When she wasn’t angry, his little boy neediness was unattractive.
His pressure to increase Marie’s sexual desire made him powerless. It pushed their relationship into sexual gridlock. Frequent invitations allowed Marie to remain passive. She could have as much sex as she wanted, when she wanted, without ever initiating it.
James, like many men, was totally dependent on what the woman did. While men are to blame for this, so are women, because the woman in this context is conditioning her man to badger her for sex. A relationship always takes two to tango.
The solution requires an uncomfortable effort from both partners. It requires personal growth. The man must learn how to hold on to himself in times of a disinterested partner, while the woman must learn how to boldly explore her sexuality and rebel against shame or cultural norms. The man needs to break free from the shackles that his masculinity is defined by his sexual performance.
Both partners need to learn how to stop being slaves to the perceptions of other people. It requires taking on self worth issues so we can feel better about ourselves to feel less defective. To become a master of our wild erotic sexuality.
Pressuring our partners to measure up to our sexual standards is not a way to have more sex. Low sexual desire is a signal for both partners to grow. It’s a calling in the lack of passion that’s encouraging you to reach your highest potential as a lover and person.
Sexual mastery is not a journey for the faint of heart. It requires facing anxiety, self-worth issues, and overcoming perceptions that disinhibit our sexuality. Release the pressure to measure up sexually and rise to the challenge of mastering yourself.
Dedicated to Cultivating Passionate Sex,
P.S. If you’re ready to face the anxiety, beliefs and perceptions that are holding your sex life captive, then apply for a clarity call here. Life-changing, heart-pounding sex lies at the intersection of personal and relationship growth.